Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Umpire Strikes Back!

There have been some of us who, for years, have grit our teeth and sat through baby moans and wails at cinema halls, music sabhas and theatres, straining to hear the screenplay, raagas and dialogue through the jarring, disharmonic, thin chords of a below-five's throat.

There have been some of us who, deciding to speak up for the vast majority of entertainment enthusiasts, broke our silence to chide parents who stinge over daycare and decide to impose their disappointing creations on an unsuspecting audience.

There have been some of us who, while acting for the greater good, found ourselves in a club of one. We've been cursed by parents for objecting to the products of their unprotected intercourse spoiling our evening out, sworn at, reviled and threatened.

For all those of us, a play I went to pronounced that there is Someone Up There, holding up a finger to tell these hell-raisers their little darlings would be better off at home.

I went to a play, and carefully chose a seat right in the middle of the auditorium, with the left and right of the stage equally balanced in my perspectives. I sat next to an adult, and was reassured when no one sat on my left until the play began. Five minutes into the play, of course, in comes Hell, dragging its Raiser behind it.

"Come on, Mummy, let's sit next to that girl!"

"Mummy, what did she say?"

"Mummy, what is the meaning of intevilable?"

And then, it happened:

"So I said 'Sameer, what the fuck is your problem?'..."

"Mummy, she said 'fuck!' She said 'fuck'! Fuck, Mummy!"

The beginnings of a smile twitched through the spasms on my face.

"When he first saw me, I was a breasts were so firm they would burst through my blouse!"

"Mummy, what is 'breast'?"

"Well, he can have sex, you see? And he kept groping the maids, pinching their buttocks, fondling their breasts..."


"I tried to slit my wrists, you know. I had sex with a boy who was fifteen years younger! That's practically incest!"

"What is 'incest', Mummy?"

"Baby, we have to leave now."

For long, I dreamt of being at a movie with steamy scenes and panting, and of seeing a round-eyed five-year-old ask its parents what those people in the picture were doing. I dreamt of a public service ad whose punchline would go, "DON'T BRING YOUR NUISANCES TO MOVIES!"

That day, I looked to the Umpire and sent out a silent prayer of thanks. One down, a few million to go. But at least, He's up there, and He's on our side.


  1. That was a very nice conversation between you two.
    @ Pandey -- It's not her dialogue and it's from the movie.

    On Father's day -- Dear Fathers don't bring your kids to a Adult movie.

  2. Another person who hates kids at movie theaters :D

  3. I once heard a lady asking her kid if he wanted a punch on the nose; to shut up. :D There are some considerate people. ;)

  4. She won't get too many points from me - I don't blame the kids so much as the parents. There's very little point bringing a kid to a play, and then screaming at it, don't you think?


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